Relentless!

Miss 3 step daughter is tight lipped at the table this morning.
Refusing to eat breakfast, refusing to use manners.
An hour has passed now of this silence, refusing to eat.
She is incredible!
My children now teenagers gobbled down their food and always used their manners.
What happened to this newer generation.
Stubborn, relentless, ignorant, demanding!
This baby is going to be one hard teenager.
I’ve turned on the music and I’m now getting sideways stares that could pierce my heart.
Ouch..

Fearing the unknown

So yesterday my partner gets home and has told me that he has booked us both in to do a diving course, holy crap! It certifies us to dive down to the depth of 18 meters anywhere in the world.. once again.. holy crap!

Number 1: I don’t like deep water
Number 2: I don’t like sharks
Number 3: I have a chronic pain condition, can I really do this?!
Number 4: He won’t take no for an answer
Number 5: Holy crap!

So it appears it’s time to face my fears.

Shit..

Fob Off

Does anyone ever really care to hear about how you feel?
The burning pain that I wake up every morning with down my arms and legs.
The stiff back and muscles that feel like if you take one step you will fall through a crack in the floor straight through to the arms of a waiting devil.
Did I ask for all this at the tender age of 37? Hell no!
The so called friends I have lost in the last year because I have fallen sick with a chronic illness that has robbed me of my job and my social life.
Wish I still had them.
Or were they really the kind of friends to keep anyway?
I still wish I had my job. I miss looking after people. I miss being able to proudly say, I am a nurse.
The countless Doctors that don’t believe that you are in the amount of pain that you say.
How about you just fob off I think while looking at them.
Wish I could transfer my pain for 5 minutes to them so they can understand how I feel.
I bet they couldn’t live with it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I have made new friends. Friends that have the same thing I do. But even then, just sometimes, I don’t want to hear about the pain they are experiencing, because I have my own to deal with.
Yes, that may sound selfish. But say how you feel yes, and leave it at that. Short descriptions, don’t make someone else feel bad for having a better day then you.
What I would give for my old body back.
But with the people in my life I have now.
No one hits me anymore.
No one verbally abuses me anymore.
No one controls me anymore,
But my body does 😦

Missing..

For some time, I have been “missing”.

Missing from the mere existence that is me. Missing from everything that is going on around me.

Instead, I have been emersed in what pain comes next on what day.

Yes I have Fibromyalgia.

I got lost in the web of Dr’s recomendations of horrific drugs that were meant to help me. Only, they made my life worse, much worse.

In the past few months, I have not wanted to continue to wake up, let alone mere exist each day. I often thought about ending my life, as selfish as that was. That is the scary reality of what some prescribed drugs can do to you.

I finally pulled myself out of the rut, got off the Dr’s drugs that were meant to help with my mental and physical pain and decided to take natural alternatives.

No, I am not pain free, never will be. But, I now have a will to live, more energy and am grateful for what I have in my life everyday, even if it can be stressful.

So on this day, May 12, Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, I would like you to meet “Jack”, the best thing that has come into my life lately. He has helped me get through each day. Pet therapy, is amazing 🙂

I spend each day training this boy to be the best he can be. He also trains me, to get out of bed, to enjoy life, to be me  in some form, once again.

A smile hides a thousand feelings

“But you don’t look sick”

“No I don’t, that’s because I choose to hide my pain well”

“Why would you do that?”

“So my children don’t spend everyday worrying about their Mum while they are at school”

“You smile alot for someone that has pain?”

“That’s because I have learn’t to smile through the pain”

Moral of that conversation, not everyone understands those who suffer from chronic pain. Me being a sufferer myself. How do you explain what you are going through to someone else? Do you even have to explain how you feel and why you feel that way on a daily basis?

“No you don’t”

But here is part of my story because I want to share it.

Only yesterday I could not even get to the bedroom doorway. All I wanted was a shower to warm up my back to help me be able to start my morning.

I didn’t even make it to the end post of the bed. I had to crawl back into bed as my back refused to hold me up and the air in the room was so very cold.

It was then I reached for the pain relief beside the bed. No one was home to help me reach the shower. I had no choice, no choice at all but to take those tablets I despise putting into my body. This very moment, reminded me why I had to give up the job I loved with every inch of my body. I was a nurse, I looked after everyone else. I ask myself on a daily basis, why can’t I do that anymore, I am only 36, why the hell can’t I do that!

I laid back against the soft pillow with the covers touching the bottom of my chin, waiting, just waiting until I felt my back relax and stop hurting, as much.

Most of the day was spent on the lounge, in my comfy spot, with a heat pack on my back.

I went through the trauma of the usual daily feelings while I was sitting there.

“I’m useless”

“When is this going to get better”

“How can I make this go away”

“Why can’t I just go and ride a horse”

“I want to drive my manual car, I love that car, why can’t I just drive it like I used to?”

“Should I text him and tell him how much I’m hurting? No don’t bother him at work”

“I’m so frustrated”

“I’m looking good today, why don’t I feel good? Can I maybe trick myself into feeling better?”

The thing is, I can’t fool the man that loves me. Regardless what I say or don’t say, he understands. He can see the level of pain and frustration I am at in my eyes.

He hugs me, he hugs me tight.

No it doesn’t fix it, but it makes me feel better, for that moment, for that minute, for that hour.

Someone finally understands, without me saying a word.

Breathe just breathe and try to get through another day.

Sadly, chronic pain does not go away.

A little psychological relief!

I found the most perfect picture today to describe my ex abusive partner. I just had to share it, it is most appropriate, as he was never useful or appropriate in any valid way!

😉

Yes I feel better now, I really do 🙂

You keep on calling?

A blocked number keeps calling me. 10am, 12pm, 2pm, 6pm, 10pm, 2am?!
I know who you are, I just don’t want to talk to you. I have changed my number twice to get away from you, but you still keep finding me, you still keep calling.
I have answered you occasionally, but you do not speak, it is mere silence on the other end after I say hello? A few moments of complete silence pass, then click.
It makes you feel something to hear my voice. Did it also make you feel something when hit me? Was it the same feeling of satisfaction within?
I can change my number again. But you will somehow find it and start this all over again.
I disappeared from where I was living, but you may know where I reside, I do not know. Stay away, is all I ask. Stay away and stop attempting to destroy my life.
I am now stronger then you, you can not hurt me inside.

R U OK?

I have been very sick lately, to the point of quitting my job for a while.
I am slowly improving as each day goes by. It’s going to be a long road, even grocery shopping today just proved too much for my body to handle, but I wanted to try and get it done.
Yesterday hanging the clothes out, seemed like the hardest task in the world, but stubborn me wanted to try. So I guess tomorrow will be my down day, probably confined to the lounge or my bed, in which I will need, to be there to have fun with my kids on the weekend, or at least try.
I do miss my job, my clients have been a huge part of my life for the last 3 yrs, as I have been a part of theirs.
But now it’s time to concentrate on me. And no it isn’t selfish to do that once in a while. It’s better then landing in hospital, like I almost did.
So today I am OK, sore, tired, a bit overwhelmed with emotion, but I am OK.
Remember to ask people that you love on a regular basis if they are feeling OK today, and if there is anything that you can do for them, even if it is just sitting with them and holding their hand.
I am so lucky that I have awesome friends and a man that checks on me everyday to make sure I am OK. Because true friends can pick out when you are not, without ever saying a word.
I thank my lucky stars everyday for the people in my life that care, so should you.

The consequences of nachos

Not even I thought about what consequences nachos, or the lack of could bring.

He had to have nachos every night at 10pm as he was always drunk enough at that time to need something to eat.

I forgot to buy more cheese. I then heard the stamping of feet and slamming of the tray and fridge door and mumbles under his breath about just how hopeless I am.

I started to panic inside when I realized that I forgot to buy more corn chips. Not even I knew that this deserved my shin bone to be kicked to the point of bruising and denting it.

I forgot to buy more of the sauce he used on his nachos. Verbal abuse to the point of no return I copped that night.

One night I forgot to wash up the soaking dish from the night before that he used to make his nachos in.

I will never forget the bruising that broke out across my sternum and the bruises across my back as I landed on the computer table.

He couldn’t understand why I called the police that night and why I had a panic attack that lasted for four long hours.

Wouldn’t you forget to buy all these things while you are working full time and raising three teenage children?

He didn’t work. But he didn’t go to the shop either. He refused to pay for anything that he needed. ARSEHAT.