Relentless!

Miss 3 step daughter is tight lipped at the table this morning.
Refusing to eat breakfast, refusing to use manners.
An hour has passed now of this silence, refusing to eat.
She is incredible!
My children now teenagers gobbled down their food and always used their manners.
What happened to this newer generation.
Stubborn, relentless, ignorant, demanding!
This baby is going to be one hard teenager.
I’ve turned on the music and I’m now getting sideways stares that could pierce my heart.
Ouch..

The valley of depth, clouds, and darkness

I sat, not for a second, not for an hour, not for a day, but for seven days.

Waiting, watching, hoping, for that little ray of sunshine.

The iron tablets were starting to make me feel better, but, it came, it went. Where did that euphoric feeling go that I so longed to keep?

Iron deficiency hurts, it hurts so bad.

The agonising pain that shoots through your body, you spend most of the night awake aching, longing to sleep, your so very tired, but nothing seems to help.

You climb out of bed in the morning, your shoulders ache, your arms ache, even your knees hurt.

You have no appetite. You are still losing weight without the intention.

You have tears in your eyes as you reach for the iron tablets but you realize they are just not enough, but you take one anyway, hoping, waiting anxiously.

Sitting at the kitchen table, with your love, having some quiet time together before the morning rush of 3 teenagers begin, you can’t hold back the tears anymore.

Your love wipes the tears away from your face as cry with a knowing look on his face at the pain you feel. He wanted to take this pain away from me, he so desperately wants me to feel ok, even for a day.

Finally when the tears dry, you notice the sun has come out for the first time in seven whole days.

Sitting on the back step is ever so warm, time to soak the sun up and at least, ease the pain just for a second, a minute, maybe an hour or just maybe, a whole day.

A smile hides a thousand feelings

“But you don’t look sick”

“No I don’t, that’s because I choose to hide my pain well”

“Why would you do that?”

“So my children don’t spend everyday worrying about their Mum while they are at school”

“You smile alot for someone that has pain?”

“That’s because I have learn’t to smile through the pain”

Moral of that conversation, not everyone understands those who suffer from chronic pain. Me being a sufferer myself. How do you explain what you are going through to someone else? Do you even have to explain how you feel and why you feel that way on a daily basis?

“No you don’t”

But here is part of my story because I want to share it.

Only yesterday I could not even get to the bedroom doorway. All I wanted was a shower to warm up my back to help me be able to start my morning.

I didn’t even make it to the end post of the bed. I had to crawl back into bed as my back refused to hold me up and the air in the room was so very cold.

It was then I reached for the pain relief beside the bed. No one was home to help me reach the shower. I had no choice, no choice at all but to take those tablets I despise putting into my body. This very moment, reminded me why I had to give up the job I loved with every inch of my body. I was a nurse, I looked after everyone else. I ask myself on a daily basis, why can’t I do that anymore, I am only 36, why the hell can’t I do that!

I laid back against the soft pillow with the covers touching the bottom of my chin, waiting, just waiting until I felt my back relax and stop hurting, as much.

Most of the day was spent on the lounge, in my comfy spot, with a heat pack on my back.

I went through the trauma of the usual daily feelings while I was sitting there.

“I’m useless”

“When is this going to get better”

“How can I make this go away”

“Why can’t I just go and ride a horse”

“I want to drive my manual car, I love that car, why can’t I just drive it like I used to?”

“Should I text him and tell him how much I’m hurting? No don’t bother him at work”

“I’m so frustrated”

“I’m looking good today, why don’t I feel good? Can I maybe trick myself into feeling better?”

The thing is, I can’t fool the man that loves me. Regardless what I say or don’t say, he understands. He can see the level of pain and frustration I am at in my eyes.

He hugs me, he hugs me tight.

No it doesn’t fix it, but it makes me feel better, for that moment, for that minute, for that hour.

Someone finally understands, without me saying a word.

Breathe just breathe and try to get through another day.

Sadly, chronic pain does not go away.