Missing..

For some time, I have been “missing”.

Missing from the mere existence that is me. Missing from everything that is going on around me.

Instead, I have been emersed in what pain comes next on what day.

Yes I have Fibromyalgia.

I got lost in the web of Dr’s recomendations of horrific drugs that were meant to help me. Only, they made my life worse, much worse.

In the past few months, I have not wanted to continue to wake up, let alone mere exist each day. I often thought about ending my life, as selfish as that was. That is the scary reality of what some prescribed drugs can do to you.

I finally pulled myself out of the rut, got off the Dr’s drugs that were meant to help with my mental and physical pain and decided to take natural alternatives.

No, I am not pain free, never will be. But, I now have a will to live, more energy and am grateful for what I have in my life everyday, even if it can be stressful.

So on this day, May 12, Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, I would like you to meet “Jack”, the best thing that has come into my life lately. He has helped me get through each day. Pet therapy, is amazing 🙂

I spend each day training this boy to be the best he can be. He also trains me, to get out of bed, to enjoy life, to be me  in some form, once again.

The valley of depth, clouds, and darkness

I sat, not for a second, not for an hour, not for a day, but for seven days.

Waiting, watching, hoping, for that little ray of sunshine.

The iron tablets were starting to make me feel better, but, it came, it went. Where did that euphoric feeling go that I so longed to keep?

Iron deficiency hurts, it hurts so bad.

The agonising pain that shoots through your body, you spend most of the night awake aching, longing to sleep, your so very tired, but nothing seems to help.

You climb out of bed in the morning, your shoulders ache, your arms ache, even your knees hurt.

You have no appetite. You are still losing weight without the intention.

You have tears in your eyes as you reach for the iron tablets but you realize they are just not enough, but you take one anyway, hoping, waiting anxiously.

Sitting at the kitchen table, with your love, having some quiet time together before the morning rush of 3 teenagers begin, you can’t hold back the tears anymore.

Your love wipes the tears away from your face as cry with a knowing look on his face at the pain you feel. He wanted to take this pain away from me, he so desperately wants me to feel ok, even for a day.

Finally when the tears dry, you notice the sun has come out for the first time in seven whole days.

Sitting on the back step is ever so warm, time to soak the sun up and at least, ease the pain just for a second, a minute, maybe an hour or just maybe, a whole day.

You keep on calling?

A blocked number keeps calling me. 10am, 12pm, 2pm, 6pm, 10pm, 2am?!
I know who you are, I just don’t want to talk to you. I have changed my number twice to get away from you, but you still keep finding me, you still keep calling.
I have answered you occasionally, but you do not speak, it is mere silence on the other end after I say hello? A few moments of complete silence pass, then click.
It makes you feel something to hear my voice. Did it also make you feel something when hit me? Was it the same feeling of satisfaction within?
I can change my number again. But you will somehow find it and start this all over again.
I disappeared from where I was living, but you may know where I reside, I do not know. Stay away, is all I ask. Stay away and stop attempting to destroy my life.
I am now stronger then you, you can not hurt me inside.

R U OK?

I have been very sick lately, to the point of quitting my job for a while.
I am slowly improving as each day goes by. It’s going to be a long road, even grocery shopping today just proved too much for my body to handle, but I wanted to try and get it done.
Yesterday hanging the clothes out, seemed like the hardest task in the world, but stubborn me wanted to try. So I guess tomorrow will be my down day, probably confined to the lounge or my bed, in which I will need, to be there to have fun with my kids on the weekend, or at least try.
I do miss my job, my clients have been a huge part of my life for the last 3 yrs, as I have been a part of theirs.
But now it’s time to concentrate on me. And no it isn’t selfish to do that once in a while. It’s better then landing in hospital, like I almost did.
So today I am OK, sore, tired, a bit overwhelmed with emotion, but I am OK.
Remember to ask people that you love on a regular basis if they are feeling OK today, and if there is anything that you can do for them, even if it is just sitting with them and holding their hand.
I am so lucky that I have awesome friends and a man that checks on me everyday to make sure I am OK. Because true friends can pick out when you are not, without ever saying a word.
I thank my lucky stars everyday for the people in my life that care, so should you.