The valley of depth, clouds, and darkness

I sat, not for a second, not for an hour, not for a day, but for seven days.

Waiting, watching, hoping, for that little ray of sunshine.

The iron tablets were starting to make me feel better, but, it came, it went. Where did that euphoric feeling go that I so longed to keep?

Iron deficiency hurts, it hurts so bad.

The agonising pain that shoots through your body, you spend most of the night awake aching, longing to sleep, your so very tired, but nothing seems to help.

You climb out of bed in the morning, your shoulders ache, your arms ache, even your knees hurt.

You have no appetite. You are still losing weight without the intention.

You have tears in your eyes as you reach for the iron tablets but you realize they are just not enough, but you take one anyway, hoping, waiting anxiously.

Sitting at the kitchen table, with your love, having some quiet time together before the morning rush of 3 teenagers begin, you can’t hold back the tears anymore.

Your love wipes the tears away from your face as cry with a knowing look on his face at the pain you feel. He wanted to take this pain away from me, he so desperately wants me to feel ok, even for a day.

Finally when the tears dry, you notice the sun has come out for the first time in seven whole days.

Sitting on the back step is ever so warm, time to soak the sun up and at least, ease the pain just for a second, a minute, maybe an hour or just maybe, a whole day.

A smile hides a thousand feelings

“But you don’t look sick”

“No I don’t, that’s because I choose to hide my pain well”

“Why would you do that?”

“So my children don’t spend everyday worrying about their Mum while they are at school”

“You smile alot for someone that has pain?”

“That’s because I have learn’t to smile through the pain”

Moral of that conversation, not everyone understands those who suffer from chronic pain. Me being a sufferer myself. How do you explain what you are going through to someone else? Do you even have to explain how you feel and why you feel that way on a daily basis?

“No you don’t”

But here is part of my story because I want to share it.

Only yesterday I could not even get to the bedroom doorway. All I wanted was a shower to warm up my back to help me be able to start my morning.

I didn’t even make it to the end post of the bed. I had to crawl back into bed as my back refused to hold me up and the air in the room was so very cold.

It was then I reached for the pain relief beside the bed. No one was home to help me reach the shower. I had no choice, no choice at all but to take those tablets I despise putting into my body. This very moment, reminded me why I had to give up the job I loved with every inch of my body. I was a nurse, I looked after everyone else. I ask myself on a daily basis, why can’t I do that anymore, I am only 36, why the hell can’t I do that!

I laid back against the soft pillow with the covers touching the bottom of my chin, waiting, just waiting until I felt my back relax and stop hurting, as much.

Most of the day was spent on the lounge, in my comfy spot, with a heat pack on my back.

I went through the trauma of the usual daily feelings while I was sitting there.

“I’m useless”

“When is this going to get better”

“How can I make this go away”

“Why can’t I just go and ride a horse”

“I want to drive my manual car, I love that car, why can’t I just drive it like I used to?”

“Should I text him and tell him how much I’m hurting? No don’t bother him at work”

“I’m so frustrated”

“I’m looking good today, why don’t I feel good? Can I maybe trick myself into feeling better?”

The thing is, I can’t fool the man that loves me. Regardless what I say or don’t say, he understands. He can see the level of pain and frustration I am at in my eyes.

He hugs me, he hugs me tight.

No it doesn’t fix it, but it makes me feel better, for that moment, for that minute, for that hour.

Someone finally understands, without me saying a word.

Breathe just breathe and try to get through another day.

Sadly, chronic pain does not go away.

You would have been fifteen baby girl

Today, I miss you more, then I did before.

You would have been fifteen today, my sweet baby girl.

You gave us a wonderful fourteen years. You slept on the end of my daughters bed since the first day we picked you up. You taught us how to love unconditionally. You taught us how to laugh, snuggle, turn the light on to prevent tripping over you, as you managed to always lay in the darkened doorway 🙂

You are the reason I fell in love with the Staffordshire breed. You are the reason I still have two of you beauties today. Could never own another type of dog, your’re breed are just too unique, in so many ways.

I am so grateful for the photo’s you let me take of you, as you shyed away from the camera at every opportunity you could get! You brought so much life and love to our house and taught my children how to share their love for a creature unlike themselves, yet more alike then they could imagine.

I held you close and snuggled whenever I could get the chance. I loved your love.

I held you when you had babies, I helped you through that painful, but exciting time.

I held you when you took your last breathes in this world, very close to me.

But now, I can only hold you in my heart.

Forever I am grateful, that you chose me to look after you.

I love you baby girl, I really do.

R U OK?

I have been very sick lately, to the point of quitting my job for a while.
I am slowly improving as each day goes by. It’s going to be a long road, even grocery shopping today just proved too much for my body to handle, but I wanted to try and get it done.
Yesterday hanging the clothes out, seemed like the hardest task in the world, but stubborn me wanted to try. So I guess tomorrow will be my down day, probably confined to the lounge or my bed, in which I will need, to be there to have fun with my kids on the weekend, or at least try.
I do miss my job, my clients have been a huge part of my life for the last 3 yrs, as I have been a part of theirs.
But now it’s time to concentrate on me. And no it isn’t selfish to do that once in a while. It’s better then landing in hospital, like I almost did.
So today I am OK, sore, tired, a bit overwhelmed with emotion, but I am OK.
Remember to ask people that you love on a regular basis if they are feeling OK today, and if there is anything that you can do for them, even if it is just sitting with them and holding their hand.
I am so lucky that I have awesome friends and a man that checks on me everyday to make sure I am OK. Because true friends can pick out when you are not, without ever saying a word.
I thank my lucky stars everyday for the people in my life that care, so should you.