Fob Off

Does anyone ever really care to hear about how you feel?
The burning pain that I wake up every morning with down my arms and legs.
The stiff back and muscles that feel like if you take one step you will fall through a crack in the floor straight through to the arms of a waiting devil.
Did I ask for all this at the tender age of 37? Hell no!
The so called friends I have lost in the last year because I have fallen sick with a chronic illness that has robbed me of my job and my social life.
Wish I still had them.
Or were they really the kind of friends to keep anyway?
I still wish I had my job. I miss looking after people. I miss being able to proudly say, I am a nurse.
The countless Doctors that don’t believe that you are in the amount of pain that you say.
How about you just fob off I think while looking at them.
Wish I could transfer my pain for 5 minutes to them so they can understand how I feel.
I bet they couldn’t live with it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I have made new friends. Friends that have the same thing I do. But even then, just sometimes, I don’t want to hear about the pain they are experiencing, because I have my own to deal with.
Yes, that may sound selfish. But say how you feel yes, and leave it at that. Short descriptions, don’t make someone else feel bad for having a better day then you.
What I would give for my old body back.
But with the people in my life I have now.
No one hits me anymore.
No one verbally abuses me anymore.
No one controls me anymore,
But my body does 😦

Now, I understand a little more.

It has taken many Dr’s visits to get to this point.

Go away, I’m not listening to your symptom’s, Get over it, there’s nothing more I can do for you. No, there’s nothing wrong your blood tests are all normal. Oh you have low iron, that’s it, go away.

NO! I said NO! Something else is wrong!

Everyday is painful. I gave up my job because, it was making the pain worse. It’s been a long time since I could get, “everything” done on my list of things to accomplish for the day.

Yesterday after much persistence and many blood tests, I finally got a diagnosis to explain the agonising pain that shoots through me on a daily basis.

I have Fibromyalgia .

I hadn’t even heard of this condition ever before, but wow, it’s so nice to have a reason why I feel the way I do.

So I would like to share this interesting article I came across this morning, about one of the coping strategies for the pain you suffer with this condition.

Pet Therapy

So glad I have my staffy’s by my side, always 🙂

I knew I owned this pair for a reason 🙂

A smile hides a thousand feelings

“But you don’t look sick”

“No I don’t, that’s because I choose to hide my pain well”

“Why would you do that?”

“So my children don’t spend everyday worrying about their Mum while they are at school”

“You smile alot for someone that has pain?”

“That’s because I have learn’t to smile through the pain”

Moral of that conversation, not everyone understands those who suffer from chronic pain. Me being a sufferer myself. How do you explain what you are going through to someone else? Do you even have to explain how you feel and why you feel that way on a daily basis?

“No you don’t”

But here is part of my story because I want to share it.

Only yesterday I could not even get to the bedroom doorway. All I wanted was a shower to warm up my back to help me be able to start my morning.

I didn’t even make it to the end post of the bed. I had to crawl back into bed as my back refused to hold me up and the air in the room was so very cold.

It was then I reached for the pain relief beside the bed. No one was home to help me reach the shower. I had no choice, no choice at all but to take those tablets I despise putting into my body. This very moment, reminded me why I had to give up the job I loved with every inch of my body. I was a nurse, I looked after everyone else. I ask myself on a daily basis, why can’t I do that anymore, I am only 36, why the hell can’t I do that!

I laid back against the soft pillow with the covers touching the bottom of my chin, waiting, just waiting until I felt my back relax and stop hurting, as much.

Most of the day was spent on the lounge, in my comfy spot, with a heat pack on my back.

I went through the trauma of the usual daily feelings while I was sitting there.

“I’m useless”

“When is this going to get better”

“How can I make this go away”

“Why can’t I just go and ride a horse”

“I want to drive my manual car, I love that car, why can’t I just drive it like I used to?”

“Should I text him and tell him how much I’m hurting? No don’t bother him at work”

“I’m so frustrated”

“I’m looking good today, why don’t I feel good? Can I maybe trick myself into feeling better?”

The thing is, I can’t fool the man that loves me. Regardless what I say or don’t say, he understands. He can see the level of pain and frustration I am at in my eyes.

He hugs me, he hugs me tight.

No it doesn’t fix it, but it makes me feel better, for that moment, for that minute, for that hour.

Someone finally understands, without me saying a word.

Breathe just breathe and try to get through another day.

Sadly, chronic pain does not go away.