Relentless!

Miss 3 step daughter is tight lipped at the table this morning.
Refusing to eat breakfast, refusing to use manners.
An hour has passed now of this silence, refusing to eat.
She is incredible!
My children now teenagers gobbled down their food and always used their manners.
What happened to this newer generation.
Stubborn, relentless, ignorant, demanding!
This baby is going to be one hard teenager.
I’ve turned on the music and I’m now getting sideways stares that could pierce my heart.
Ouch..

Ways of the departed

Last week I was thinking constantly, and I don’t mean thinking about it and stop, it took over and consumed my whole mind. The thoughts that I really need to face one of my worst incredible fears. The dentist.
I have suffered traumatic experiences in the past in a few different dentist chairs. Even a fractured jaw and it has never been the same since. The pain comes back to haunt me frequently.
My teeth are in dire need of saving, fixing, love, you know, tlc. Having a nice smile, again, would change my life in a heartbeat. Most of my anxiety comes from not having perfect teeth, so i shy away from people and don’t engage even if all I want to deep down is to be able to be that person, I once was. The life of the party.
I am a nice looking blonde. I look confident on the outside. No one understands the fears deep within that I possess. The constant anxiety creeping up on me, I also am a chronic pain sufferer which was triggered after emotional and physical abuse.
I hide it all beyond the mask  that you see.
The thoughts of making a dentist appointment have been consuming my thoughts for days. The play out in my mind of making that phone call, making my way through the door, the fear of being told off because my teeth are not “perfect”. Yes it may sound ridiculous to some, even unbelievable to even have this fear, but that is just who I am. I am also sure that I am not alone in this conscience.
I have been taking my daughter to the orthodontist on a regular basis, as she has braces to straighten her teeth, and oh my they are looking amazing and changing her confidence from an awkward teen to a thriving confident teen.
These visits have somehow been starting to ease my anxiety and fears over that dentists are a fearful place. They are all so lovely and treat their patients with kindness. But of course in the back of my mind I have the bad things that have happened to me at the dentist playing over and over and have vowed never to go into those places again!
The last few days while these thoughts are constantly consuming me, I have been really getting into learning more about numerology and have started reading a book called “Into the darkness” by Alison Dubois. If you are not familiar with her work, she is a medium and does mostly private readings for people for those who have lost a loved one that they want to reconnect with.
My grandmother who passed with cancer when I was 12, and I was very close to, enters my mind everyday. I constantly ask her to guide me, although I got lost while on medication in my own darkness for quite some time. I sat out the front step one cool night and with my mind so confused let the tears flow and asked her to please help me pull myself out of this dark time. I needed help, needed it from the only person that I had ever really been close to. At that moment, the solar light flickered above me. The solar lights have never done that before and there was no reason for it to be doing that at night when it was fully charged up.
At that moment I stopped crying. I wiped the tears away and vowed to get off the medication that was hurting me mentally even though it helped my pain. I believed she was here to guide me once again. She was waiting to be able to come forth and ease my troubles.
I spent the next couple of weeks feeling more then sorry for myself. Coming off the medication was relentless. The dizzy spells, the nausea, the pain coming back tenfold throughout my body, the swelling of joints, it was agony! But my mind was becoming clearer and brighter. I was not this person that didn’t want to live or leave the house anymore.
BUT
To go forth to the next level of becoming the confident person that I once was, I have to get my smile fixed.
Thanks Nan for swirling my mind with constant thoughts of this!
I was planning on making an appointment for next week on payday with a private dentist. I had been on a waiting list for a few months now for the hospital dentist and hadn’t heard anything (public system, they help with payment to ease the burden on your pocket when you are on some kind of benefits) and thought I can’t wait any longer and I would have to deal with paying for it all myself.
I went to the mailbox today, opened up a letter from them saying, please ring us, appointments are now available.
I smiled, looked up and said thank you Nan, I can do this with you by my side ♥

 

 

Fearing the unknown

So yesterday my partner gets home and has told me that he has booked us both in to do a diving course, holy crap! It certifies us to dive down to the depth of 18 meters anywhere in the world.. once again.. holy crap!

Number 1: I don’t like deep water
Number 2: I don’t like sharks
Number 3: I have a chronic pain condition, can I really do this?!
Number 4: He won’t take no for an answer
Number 5: Holy crap!

So it appears it’s time to face my fears.

Shit..

Fob Off

Does anyone ever really care to hear about how you feel?
The burning pain that I wake up every morning with down my arms and legs.
The stiff back and muscles that feel like if you take one step you will fall through a crack in the floor straight through to the arms of a waiting devil.
Did I ask for all this at the tender age of 37? Hell no!
The so called friends I have lost in the last year because I have fallen sick with a chronic illness that has robbed me of my job and my social life.
Wish I still had them.
Or were they really the kind of friends to keep anyway?
I still wish I had my job. I miss looking after people. I miss being able to proudly say, I am a nurse.
The countless Doctors that don’t believe that you are in the amount of pain that you say.
How about you just fob off I think while looking at them.
Wish I could transfer my pain for 5 minutes to them so they can understand how I feel.
I bet they couldn’t live with it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I have made new friends. Friends that have the same thing I do. But even then, just sometimes, I don’t want to hear about the pain they are experiencing, because I have my own to deal with.
Yes, that may sound selfish. But say how you feel yes, and leave it at that. Short descriptions, don’t make someone else feel bad for having a better day then you.
What I would give for my old body back.
But with the people in my life I have now.
No one hits me anymore.
No one verbally abuses me anymore.
No one controls me anymore,
But my body does 😦